Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
