My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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