i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
