I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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