matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
