judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
