at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
