There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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