Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
