Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She tied me up with her honor cords...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
