Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
