I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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