I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
