allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
