mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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