I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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