He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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