Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
