We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
