Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
