you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We need a shit load of segways right now
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
