im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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