she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Randomize
