remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
