all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
