This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
