I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
