Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
