sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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