fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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