apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
