On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
