If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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