Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
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