it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
