What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
