Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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