wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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