ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
