After last night, I could never be a politician.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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