My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
