My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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