Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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