well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
