the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
