im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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