I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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