And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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