Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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