pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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