you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i drank out of a bidet.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
